I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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