Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
