dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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