Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
