Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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