I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
