I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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