Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
