Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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