considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
