His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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