The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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