Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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