Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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