is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
