if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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