...so i touched it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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