He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
