Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Couch. On fire.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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