I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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