So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
it glows. i had to have it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
