i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
