Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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