I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
