Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You ruined the universe
Randomize
