First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
