At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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