i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
