Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
