Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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