I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
