Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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