just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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