I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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