I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
