Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
