She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
