I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
