Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
