Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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