I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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