I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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