I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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