Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
