apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
