I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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