so that wasnt chicken after all
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
