I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
