I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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