I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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