I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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